So God Made Me This Way?
by Pat Golightly
Summary: “Daddy, what happened to me?” i.e. If Marissa hadn't followed Ryan in The Homecoming


A/N: I apologize for this. For some reason, I just _had_ to write it.

**So God Made Me This Way?**

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Ryan knew he had been different sometime before now. He knew this because Seth walked on eggshells around him; because Mom and Dad babied him in a way they didn't even baby Seth- and they babied Seth a lot. He remembered them babying Seth in a way they had never babied him, Ryan, before the accident. He remembered not calling them Mom and Dad, but once he woke up in the cold, white room with tubes coming out of his arms, he had called her Mom and him Dad and had never gone back to calling them by their other names_. Their grown up names_, Seth had said once in a voice that made Ryan feel like a little kid. Ryan hated that voice. 

He remembered the first time Seth had used that voice with him. It was right after he had gotten out of the hospital and they went home and Seth wanted to play video games, but Ryan didn't want to play video games because he was tired. Seth had wheedled, as he tended to do, and when Ryan had finally relented, he had ended up regretting it. His skills weren't as good as they once were, he suspected, for Seth had sighed in a disappointed kind of way and tried to explain to him in a tired, yet patient tone the controls and the speed at which he should use them and Ryan had punched him really hard in the shoulder because the already knew that stuff and Seth was trying to make him feel stupid.

He remembered how Seth had yelped in pain and Mom and Dad had come running into the room and Seth had pointed at him and told them what he had done and Dad seemed almost amused and was like, "See? Ryan hasn't changed a bit." and Mom scowled at Dad and then told him, Ryan, under no uncertain terms was he to ever hit his brother ever again.

And then Ryan had cried.

Ryan guessed he hadn't used to do that all that much because they all looked really shocked for a moment before Mom and Dad and even Seth had embraced him really warm and tight-like and told him that it was okay and then Mommy had given him ice cream and Daddy gave him a book.

When Seth had asked him if he could read, Ryan had punched him again because of course he could read. He could read very well, thank you very much. Mom had scolded Seth then for being insensitive and nobody said anything to Ryan about the punching, because he COULD read and nobody wanted him to cry again, Ryan guessed.

"Mommy, what happened to me?"

Ryan asked that question a lot because he still didn't understand and no one ever gave him a real answer. Mom usually just gave him a hug and when he asked Dad all he picked up were words like 'kiddo' and 'stolen car' and 'bat' and 'mean people'. He suspected (because Ryan suspected a lot of things and liked to call himself a 'suspect'), that the mean people had been driving a truck and thrown a bat at him and then he had become like he was now, but when he ran this by Seth, Seth just handed him his stupid Captain Oats horse and told him to ask Captain Oats because Seth didn't know.

Ryan remembered sometimes how he and Seth used to be really good friends and talked for hours and read comic books together and talked about girls, but Seth never seemed to want to do those things anymore. He just hung out with his Summer, who called Ryan 'Chino', and they sucked each others faces off a lot. Ryan asked Summer why he was pants and Summer seemed really hesitant before she explained that he was pants because he wore pants and when Ryan inquired if that meant that she was also pants, and therefore also Chino, she said "No, because I'm wearing a skirt. See?" and Sethhad barked with laughter and told her not to show Ryan such impure things, because those things were for Seth only.

"Daddy, what happened to me?"

Dad had big eyebrows and talked a lot. Seth talked a lot, too. Mom didn't talk so much and looked sad a lot and her eyes were really tired a lot and she drank a lot of alcohol. Ryan had found a bottle of the clear stuff in her purse once and taken a drink of it, but then Mom had found him and scolded him and told him never to do it again and Ryan had cried but Mommy didn't apologize this time so Ryan had called her 'Dawn' out of spite, even though he wasn't really sure why and then Mommy had cried and Ryan had apologized.

"…so you see, sweetheart?" Dad asked now. "That's what happened."

Ryan nodded, even though he hadn't been listening, and asked absently, "So God made me this way?" When Dad frowned, Ryan grinned and sat next to him on the couch and laid down and settled his head in Dad's lap so Dad would play with his hair. "Tell me 'gain."

"You were driving a car that wasn't yours."

"I could drive?"

Dad paused. "Yes, kiddo, you could drive."

"A car? A real one?"

"Yes and it wasn't yours."

"Did I steal it? Mommy says stealing is wrong."

"You didn't steal this one, baby. You were just…delivering it to these bad people because they were going to be mean to your brother."

"To Seth?" Ryan asked. "I would never let anyone be mean to Seth. Only I can be mean to Seth."

"Not to Seth, honey," Dad paused. "To your other brother, Trey."

"Dawn," Ryan said suddenly, as if he understood.

"Yes, Dawn. And you couldn't let that happen, so you had to do him this favor by delivering this car that wasn't yours to these bad people."

"And they hurt me?"

Daddy looked really sad and his eyes got wet.

"Don't cry, Daddy," Ryan ordered.

"Okay, Ry, I won't cry."

"What happened next?"

"They hurt you in a really bad way. And then you were in the hospital."

"And that's where I woke up and you and Mommy and Seth were there, right?" Ryan asked eagerly.

"Yeah, sweetheart. That's right."

"And I got all better right?"

And Daddy looked like he swallowed something really big before he amended, "Yeah, kid. You got all better."

Ryan smiled softly at Dad and closed his eyes, put at momentary ease. He knew he wouldn't remember the story in the morning.

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_Review, if you feel so compelled. :)_


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